She understood herself, the bad and the good sides to her. The things she had done and the things she wished she hadn’t.
People push you to do things that supposedly is best at the time you think you need it, or any time at all, but you find that most times you push yourself to do those things whether or not it is the best or the worst decision you can ever make.
No one can love you better than you can. No one can make you feel any type of way except you let them or allow it happen.
We have allowed that, one too many times and obviously we have regretted it that “one too many times” but somehow find ourselves in the same places doing the same things over and over again.
She wanted peace, but how could she get that on her own she thought. How could she achieve that without wanting to be understood and accepted? That was where she realized how wrong she had been. Where she lost track of things and how it should be. Having to let herself believe she couldn’t do that on her own, to create that much peace within herself then around her.
She had become so comfortable finding comfort and looking for peace in and with others when she hadn’t come to peace with herself, when she could really get the very best kind on her own, by herself.
She wanted it so bad, to start over. All the mistakes she had made, all the negative thoughts of herself, and the vulnerability she so hated but somehow allowed wasn’t going to be it for her anymore. She was done with it. She wanted to start over and be for herself. For her alone, and channel all the love, positivity, support, energy, and peace she gave so much of towards herself so she could create her own happiness knowing she would be satisfied with it.
Somehow she had forgotten how that felt like… complete happiness, satisfaction. The kind of energy and love that didn’t allow her want too many or just the very little things from the people she cared so much about. The people who in the end weren’t who they said they were when they first met. People who used her to their advantage, and her vulnerability to get whatever it is they wanted.
She wanted it all though. Everything! Everything that would cause her happiness. Everything she is blessed with but didn’t quite appreciate because she didn’t think she deserved so much more and better for herself.
She never wants to doubt that again. What she can do for herself, by herself. What she can feel on her own. What she can do on her own, and how much at peace she will be with everything she’s got.
She wanted to start over so she did.
Let this be your note to self.