Jealousy comes in different forms, usually occurring when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person.
It is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. Jealousy strikes both men and women, and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or perceived. It is not limited to romantic relationships, but also can arise among siblings competing for parental attention or in friendships.
Do you always compare yourself to other people? Worried about what some other woman has that you don’t? Do you find yourself feeling angry or nervous whenever your boyfriend talks to another woman.
Jealousy leads to broken relationships, constant arguments, and drives men away faster than just about anything else. Jealousy is emotionally exhausting to deal for anyone to deal with long-term.
So if you want to banish this curse once and for all, make sure you read and apply these tips. Let go of your jealousy and you’ll be happier, more charismatic, and find it 10x easier to keep great guys in your life.
Why Jealousy Is So Destructive.
Jealousy is one of the great tragic emotions.
In Shakespeare’s play Othello, we see how one man’s inability to control his anger caused by jealousy leads to his terrible downfall and eventual death. Though we’re unlikely to face such dire consequences, the moral is clear: JEALOUSY IS POISON that only serves to hurt the person who drinks it.
Imagine that you see your boyfriend over at the bar in conversation with an attractive woman. You feel that surge of concern, followed by anger, rise up in your stomach.
Who is she? What are they talking about? Is she flirting? Has he mentioned he has a girlfriend yet? How can he not know how this makes you feel??
Once jealousy takes hold here, there are various scenarios that could happen next…
You push your way into their conversation, perhaps hovering nearby or standing close to your boyfriend and staring daggers at this woman until he finally introduces you. When he does, you act coldly towards her until she eventually walks away bemused.
Your boyfriend feels embarrassed and you look like the typical “possessive girlfriend” who makes him feel trapped and suffocated.
You avoid getting involved in their conversation, but instead you disappear from sight, waiting for him to later find you, after which you act annoyed for the rest of the evening and sulk as he keeps asking you “what’s wrong?” trying to figure out why his girlfriend is now being so distant with him.
You keep your feelings locked up inside, all the while internally seething with anger and upset, only for your emotions to come out hours later, after which you seem like you’re completely overreacting to something which could have been avoided altogether.
If you don’t work on overcoming jealousy in these moments, you could end up destroying relationships with amazing guys for the dumbest reasons, so make it your mission to work on this problem now before it poisons your future.
The Mindset That Leads To Jealousy.
The examples above are what happens when we fail to get perspective and control jealousy.
So why does this happen?..
Well, jealousy usually comes down to one thing: insecurity. Specifically, insecurity that comes from a feeling of low self-worth, which leads to an excessive tendency to compare yourself to other people. When you get jealous, you forget all the unique, one-of-a-kind qualities you possess, and start to obsess over the things you lack. This leads to a negative feedback loop, in which you keep looking at all the areas you come up short, whether it’s because you’re not tall enough, not successful enough, not skinny enough, not popular enough – and this can manifest itself in all kinds of unpleasant behavior.
One of the quickest ways to get rid of the jealousy curse is to see just how badly it is damaging your relationships.
Jealousy shows a fundamental lack of respect and faith in our partner, which is why it’s such an attraction-killer for men (unless he’s one of those men who enjoys the ego boost. Pro tip: avoid these guys at all costs!).
Next time you feel those jealous feelings, try to catch yourself and give yourself 10-20 seconds before you react.
Ask yourself: Where is this feeling coming from? What are my triggers for jealousy? Is this based on a real fear, or something in my head?
Maybe you get jealous whenever your boyfriend talks to an attractive woman. Or maybe you get jealous whenever you hear of a friend’s success in their career. In this moment, resist your natural instincts to get envious or criticize, and realize that this is about you, not them. Remember, someone else’s happiness is not your failure.
Step 2 – Go to gratitude.
I know this sounds cheesy, but take a moment to remind yourself of 5 things that make you grateful just to be who you are.
When we get jealous we tend to exaggerate the qualities someone else has, and we completely underplay what’s amazing about ourselves. So instead, write down a list on paper or in a word document of all the things you’re proud of about yourself. It could be anything: your education, your dimples, your smile, your great friends, your fun energy, your intelligence, your killer legs, your relationship with your loved ones, anything.
You need to remind yourself that you are a completely unique package that cannot be replaced. Take that to heart and embrace what makes you special.
Step 3 – Decide on a new response.
It’s not how you feel that determines your life, but how you respond to how you feel.
So every time you go to jealousy, remember: you can decide your response. Jealousy is just a signal in your mind. And as painful as it might be, that signal is trying to tell you something.
Try seeing jealousy as just a sign in your brain to do one of three things:
(a) Become grateful for what you have – (see above)
(b) Improve yourself – because jealousy may just be a sign that someone else has something you’d like to have, in which case, simply decide if that’s something you can achieve, and say to yourself: “That’s really cool. I should try to do that too.” Use other people’s success as encouragement, not as a threat to you.
(c) See the best in people – if you tend to feel jealousy in relationships, next time it happens, ask yourself: is jealousy appropriate here? Has he actually done anything wrong? Of course there is rational jealousy, but if he has never given you a reason to doubt him before and seems to be keeping things friendly, realize that this now is the moment for you to have faith in the man you’ve chosen and trust him (after all, if you don’t trust him, why are you with him in the first place?).
Remember: If a man senses you don’t respect and trust him, it kills his attraction for you and breeds resentment.
We can never be 100% about what will happen in life, but we have to begin from a place of seeing the best in people, especially those close to us.
Remind yourself of your own value, trust in your partner (especially if they’ve always been loyal in the past), and take focus back on yourself instead of obsessing with what other people have.
The so-called “jealousy curse” is just a choice about where to direct your energy: Make sure you direct it somewhere useful.
Source: Matthew Hussey